• Laura De Sommar


What I've learnt Monday 15th March 2021:

I had some really dark years 2014-2017... why would you care? Because I got out of them; and maybe the lesson I learnt on how to do that can help you or a friend of yours. A whole mix of things led downwards but the key thing I needed to fix to go upwards was: Self-confidence.

I had everything someone could wish for; family, food on the table, and finances to pay for my career and room and board and then some. As Tony Robbins (TR) likes to ask; what makes someone that is born with nothing, excel? And why do some who are born with everything become deeply unhappy? Ultimately; the best resource is SELF CONFIDENCE. If you have all physical resources but not the certainty or faith that you will make it happen for yourself, then you won't make it happen or will make it exceedingly hard for yourself to make it happen (take so much time and be painful)! Back then and up till 2019, I did take action towards my dreams but I would falter, I would make silly mistakes, I was drowning in anxiety, I could not function and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

<I fixed my anxiety through working with Dr. Stephanie Baron an EMDR doc. I doubled down on it by consciously changing my emotional states with TR work. Can show how it's done or you can also look it up online or sign up for UPW live event.* Changing emotional states consciously is the single most important thing to have a good quality of life. We have goals (money or career or family or friends or toys) because we think they'll lead us to be HAPPY or be proud ie get an emotional state. So why not get the state first then get the goal?!>

(btw, I just read GREENLIGHTS by Matthew Mcconaughey. He truly had self-confidence! And worked on it too. SELF CONFIDENCE IS A MUSCLE!!).

I also got into a career that was wildly different to anything I had seen when growing up. It's okay to feel nervous about doing something new or for the first time. We all love to be instantly good at something. However, when we start doing an activity that is new, there is a learning curve. I've found that taking deep breaths help! Duh. Also understanding that excitedness and nervousness show up in VERY similar ways in our bodies so is it possible you're not nervous but excited?!

Things do get better with time, if we make a conscious effort to be aware of what are our own actions, thoughts and processes look like. Keeping a journal or taking time to meditate and setting out your own personal goals helps so that you can look back upon your own growth. Sometimes we're so close to our own selves that we don't get to appreciate just HOW MUCH we've actually grown! SUCCESS happens in the little daily choices and habits we make for ourselves: deciding to workout even though we don't feel like it five times a week, choosing the healthier dish, hugging those we love, checking in with our friends. And failure happens in the same way; the many days we let go by without calling our loved ones, or when we don't speak up again and again... fortunately it ALL STARTS TODAY. Today and this moment is the only moment we can make an active choice.

Sometimes change can feel overwhelming; 'HOW am I going to change WHO I AM?!' Aha! First things first, change your identity (please read ATOMIC HABITS by James Clear). I'm not going deep into this because it's a whole topic, a whole book! Briefly; if you say I'm bad with money, you identify with that. If next time I'm in front of an opportunity to spend my money; I can ask myself "what would a financially sound person do with my current level of finances?"if you're trying to lose weight, then don't think you're on a diet, think you're a super healthy person. So when going up a building, you can ask yourself "what would a super healthy person do? Take the stairs or the elevator/lift?" then DO that. Sorry I'm not doing the book a good service by trying to explain this very well. You're changing your identity through every CHOICE you MAKE and every ACTION you TAKE.

Truly we only have the present moment. So, if I decide I want to be a kind person, then I only have to be present in my interactions with humans. I can't do anything right now to erase a previous interaction; but I can reach out for forgiveness in the present. I can't fix things in the future, but I can prep them by perhaps sending a nice text or email or some chocolates before a meeting. So you see, the choice, the action happens in the present moment. Changing your life is a matter of decisions in the moment. Also it's okay to FUCK UP! we learn! If you like this topic, READ ATOMIC HABITS* and begin the work today.

In a small fashion. Keep tabs on yourself; keep yourself accountable; write things DOWN (on your computer or journal). Paraphrasing TR: Failure is NOT real! We learn and grow or we succeed. The only failure is not learning. Learning: be conscious throughout your journey.

Make sure you can easily see your actions on paper. And ALWAYS HYPE YOURSELF UP!

As Joseph McClendon III said, repetition is the mother of skill but PRAISE is the father! Studies show that kids learn so much up to the age of 13 because they mix education with entertainment at school. So; why not have FUN with it!!! Okay, if working out sucks, then play the BEST music doing it! Join a sports team, make it FUN! It's your life ;) and PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE! tell yourself you're amazing because guess what, you ARE! You've made it this far, you've accomplished many many many things and the party's just getting started!

okay..... ugh this is A BIG ONE FOR SELF-CONFIDENCE. SCHOOL and SOCIETY or sometimes family teaches us that if we do something WRONG we get punished. So we want to do the 'right' thing to NOT get punished. But this doesn't work as well as praising. If you have a puppy, you train it better by praising them when they do the things you want them to do than by chastising them when they do the things you don't want them to do. THIS IS VERY VERY CLEARLY STATED IN 'HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE' BY DALE CARNEGIE- an absolute treat of a book!'*

Back on track:

Part of the reasons of why I was in such a dark place was because I was in a new career, and I didn't know squat about it! That's all fine. What was NOT okay was that I spent so much time on social media seeing what other people were doing that the following happened:

1) I would COMPARE what they were doing to what I was doing. Instead of following my own gut, my own plan, my own set of dreams,

2) I QUESTIONED my gut.

This KILLS the creative process of building our lives. Comparing yourself to the people who have already achieved what you want to achieve is a GREAT thing! We can then re-orient ourselves and follow their path, don't reinvent the wheel. But comparing your life your unique path to those who aren't even doing what you want to do or achieved what you want to achieve is not the best use of your or my time. BUT... comparing your life and choices EVERY DAY, QUESTIONING your life choices EVERY DAY! is madness. It's like taking two steps forward, one back, and then switching to the left or right lane or two lanes down... aka not really going anywhere. And the pain and suffering of seeing that is not nice to say the least.

You are the captain of your own life. And I was changing course every single day. Hope you're never in this situation. Hope that you're infinitely wiser than I was. Hope you're leading the life you always envisioned for yourself. Cheers to your life! Cheers to mine! Cheers to our lives!

Social media has tons of positive things but I wasn't grasping them.

Links to get the info or books mentioned here:

*Tony Robbins: UPW event

*ATOMIC HABITS by James Clear


ps: I'm super conscious of whether what I'm writing should be kept to myself, is this really helpful to ANYONE? Will the text sound incredibly dumb or like basic? Well... here goes nothing.

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